When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
