I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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