Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
worst night to have a conscience
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
