i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
