So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So. Much. Porn.
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