took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
