he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
