I just threw up on my dentist
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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