I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
