Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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