I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
