have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
