I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
