Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
