I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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