You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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