You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
