well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
