I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
