she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found puke in my bra..
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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