I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
