well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
