We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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