Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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