I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
