she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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