My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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