The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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