We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
