My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
