theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
