I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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