i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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