I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
