Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
