Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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