I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
