dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
