Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I love you. Go after that dick
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
