You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
