Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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