Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
