I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
