I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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