Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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