My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
