You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
