70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
