she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
