i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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