I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
