I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
