So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
